Jacob, Jonah and My One Word

I’m starting off the new year reading The Forgotten God by Francis Chan, and it has taken me all of 2 weeks t realize how terrified I am of the Holy Spirit.


Some people are afraid that if they call on the Holy Spirit, he won’t show up–that God will remain silent. I am afraid of the opposite. I’m afraid that he will show up. As soon as he does, I know there will be things in my sinful life that he will want to strip from me and there will be things he wants me to do that are not easy, comfortable, or pleasant (and all this coming from a missionary kid who grew up with spiders the size of my hand).

The topic has driven me to wrestle with God for all of January. I know that I can’t say “no” to the Holy Spirit. And I know that he should be the focus for My One Word this year. I can’t ignore him anymore. He’s too much of an integral part of the Bible, salvation, and relationship with God. Even Jesus said that it was better that he leaves us so that the Holy Spirit can come to us. How can I shrug that off?

So out of a sense of Christian duty, I started praying that God would help me want the Holy Spirit (because I was still at the point where I couldn’t just say I wanted him on my own). And then I took a walk to sort through my thoughts, to argue with myself, and wrestle with God about the fears I had for the future.

The truth is, I already know what it’s like to have God pull me into places I don’t want to go and situations I’m not comfortable with. I’ve been a Jonah several times. That’s how I ended up in Charlotte after asking God to send me anywhere in the world except Charlotte.


I mean, it looks fine from a distance and all…

But after I got over myself, I found that God didn’t actually want me to be miserable. In fact, living in Charlotte was how God managed to give me exactly what I wanted all along, in ways that were far better than anything I had dreamed up for myself. God actually made me happy and gave me a chance to serve him joyfully in a place I never thought I could stand to be in. It was almost like… God was smarter than me or something. And he proved to be a good God. He made me a part of something awesome, gave me meaning, and used my gifts in ways I never thought possible. I helped start a school for God’s sake! (literally, for God’s sake. And at the age of 21, too).


But being dragged into Nineveh (or Charlotte, or wherever I decide I don’t want to go) wasn’t my only fear when it came to following the Holy Spirit.

I have on my wrist a constant reminder of Christians around the world who were willing to follow the Holy Spirit boldly–even to death.

Coptic Cross tattoo

I keep this Coptic cross as a sign of solidarity with the persecuted church, but there are many times that I wonder if I have the courage to back up my tattoo with action.

It’s not that I’m afraid of death. It’s more a fear of everything that leads up to death. Physical pain, mostly. I’m a wimp. Hell, I whimpered just getting the tattoo!

But as I took my walk/wrestling match with God, he reminded me that suffering isn’t something he sends us through–it’s something he carries us through. Kind of like the famous poem about footprints in the sand, but instead of a peaceful walk on the beach, it’s more like hot coals and beds of nails. (Life is rarely a walk on the beach).

When I was 11 years old, I had guns pointed at my head by a gang that threatened to kill my family and rape us. It was an experience that a lot of people would say they never want to risk going through. The kind that makes people like me (right now) say, “God better not put me in that situation because I can’t deal with that. I’m not ready to follow the Holy Spirit into that kind of thing.”

But I did go through it. It wasn’t easy, comfortable, or pleasant, but I didn’t suffer through it on my own, either. God carried me through. And looking back on it, I would never want that experience–painful as it was–to stop me from being there in Papua New Guinea where my family had the privilege of serving God in an awesome and exciting way.

Which means that these two big fears I have are both things that God has already answered with proof of his goodness. And in retrospect, I can’t be surprised. I already knew all along that God is good and that His ways are better than my ways. I just… forgot.

So with all that said,

Come, Holy Spirit, come.

My One Word for this year is Follow.

Confession of a Wrong

I must confess to a mental wrong doing: I am guilty of a hurtful and possibly harmful judgement made on a boy in my class. I am not telling this story to try to explain away my crime, or excuse myself. I am telling this story so that others might recognize their own symptoms of stereotyping others.

This young boy appeared on my classroom roster before school started, but he did not come to class the first day. His cousin did, though–a cleanly dress, tall girl with glasses and colorful school supplies. I asked her where her cousin was and she simply rolled her eyes and said, “he wants to pretend we aren’t related.”

He did come to school the second day. As soon as I saw him in the hallway, I took a breath and thought, “oh, boy.” He had a face that looked much more mature than an 11 year old should, but not in the “I know better than to cause problems” sort of maturity. His solid jawline and squarish features indicated that he was either older than the others in the grade, or that he simply matured, physically, much faster than everyone. Either way, it screamed trouble to me and gave me flashbacks to some of my most difficult students of previous years–the ones that ran gangs and got girls to do things that 11 year olds are much too young to be doing.

He smiled broadly at everyone–the kind of smile that was less friendly and more mischievous–and stepped into my classroom with a swagger that made  him look like he owned the room.

That smile never left his face as he squatted with his feet in his chair and raised his hand to volunteer to read out loud just before saying, “psych!” And pulling his hand down.

When I asked him to sit properly in his chair, he jokingly tried out several positions with his feet on the desk or wherever he knew would be bothersome.

His cousin sighed loudly across the room.

I wrote him off after only 2 attempts to call on him, deciding that he probably wouldn’t give a reasonable response to anything, regardless of the fact that he raised his hand constantly. I gave up on him before the first week of school had ended.

But I was wrong. And this isn’t a “people can change” story. No. This boy didn’t suddenly change his attitude. He is still the playful kid he always was.

But in an attempt to be “fair” I called on him the second week of school to answer questions. “Nah, I don’t want to answer,” he said with a smile and yanked his hand down. I gave an internal eye roll and looked to someone else to answer, but then he said, “I’m just kidding, I’ll answer.” The next string of words that came out of his mouth proved to me that everything I thought about him was exactly wrong. Not only had he been paying attention to our class discussion when I thought he had tuned out, but he had solid insights to offer.

I called on him more often after that and was greatly impressed with his level of positive participation. The one thing he still would not do was read out loud (though, he did manage to psych me out about it a few more times).

But even that barrier got crossed eventually and I realized why he was much more comfortable playing games instead of reading. Three syllable words were not easy for him. And as I listened to him struggle to read a few sentences out loud in front of the class, I realized that it took a lot of courage for him to go through with reading instead of psyching me out.

We’re into week 5 in school and he has become a lot more comfortable with trying, even when he sees those big words and knows he’ll stumble in front of everyone. He keeps that mischievous smile on his face and volunteers more than most students to do/answer/read anything. And I am so grateful that my first impressions of him and my reactions to him did not harm his desire to try, do, and learn.

Thank you, Michael, for teaching me a valuable lesson so early in the school year.

The 2am Man

Pretty much everywhere I’ve lived has been a thin line between “ghetto” and “acceptably safe and comfortable.” Sometimes I’m dealing with persistent cockroaches, and sometimes I’m dealing with random cars blowing up in the parking lot. But wherever I live, I go to sleep knowing that
Unless God watches over the apartment, 
The locks are locked in vain. 
Unless God builds my protection,
The walls are there for nothing.
Psalm 127:1 (my translation)
That sentiment has kept me through many questionable events and strange occurrences, which I hold onto as proof that God is good. He protects me when no one else is around and gives me opportunities to be a beacon of his love when no one else will.
Back in college, I worked restaurant jobs. I never kept them for very long–I bounced from one to the next out of boredom or stress or my flippant feelings of the place. One such job had me working the closing shift on Friday nights, which meant I didn’t get home until around 2am. It didn’t bother me, really. Everything was quiet and peaceful at 2am. And if it wasn’t for all the lights in my parking lot, I’d get to see the stars.
But one night, I came home to a lot more commotion than usual. Some guy was trying to get a car to stop for him as they drove through the parking lot. They stopped for a brief moment, but drove off while he tried to talk to them through the window.
I watched the car leave and the man collapse on the sidewalk–most likely drunk. He happened to be sitting right in front of my building and there was no way to get to my apartment without passing him, so I made a bit of a wide circle around him as I headed for the door.
The man looked up at me and raised a hand like he was reaching for me. “Help me!” he said. “Please. Just let me use your phone. I just got jumped and I need to call my girlfriend. I just need to call her.”
I stopped in my tracks. He didn’t sound drunk. He sounded desperate. The man tried to get up to walk toward me, but I could tell the effort was painful and he ended up crawling more than walking.
I couldn’t just leave him there. But I recognized that I was alone in the parking lot at 2am with a strange man. So instead of showing him immediate pity, I decided to be “smart” about the situation and get another set of eyes on me. So I lied. “My phone is in my apartment,” I said. “Let me go get it.”
My plan was to get one of my roommates to watch me from the window and call the police if anything went wrong. Usually at least one of them was awake watching some late night TV. But when I opened my apartment door, there was no one and nothing but darkness.
I took a moment to think about my options and decided to call a friend of mine in the same apartment complex. He usually stayed up all night playing video games, so I was sure I could get him to help. But he didn’t pick up his phone.
Looking out my bedroom window, I could see the poor man on the sidewalk, groaning in pain and trying to crawl his way down the sidewalk until he could find someone else to help him. But there was no one else out there. No one else saw him at all. Even the men that drove off didn’t really see him.
“God,” I prayed in the darkness of my room. “You’re the only one that’s watching me now. There’s no one else. So keep me safe.”
Then I took my cell phone out of my pocket and went down to help the man. He had crawled to the other side of the parking lot by that point and was sitting by some bushes, crying. “Here,” I said, “You can use my phone.”
He called his girlfriend and asked for her to come get him, but before she would, he had to resolve a bit of a fight that they had had earlier. I felt a little bad listening in on their relationship problems, but I couldn’t just walk away while he had my phone.
After he hung up, I sat and waited with him for his girlfriend to arrive. It seemed wrong to just leave him there on his own. “What happened?” I asked.
“I got jumped,” he said. “They beat me up and took my wallet…” it sounded like there should have been more to that, but he just stopped and shook his head.
“Do you want me to call the police?”
“No! No, I just need to go home to my girlfriend and get some rest. She lives in one of these…”
Now that I was close to him, I could see the bruises all over his face, arms, and legs. Even though we sat well away from the light, his bruises were deep purple stains on his skin.
We sat in silence a while longer. I wanted to reach out and put an arm around him, but I was afraid that it’d only hurt him more. In that moment, he didn’t feel like some strange guy in the parking lot. I may not have known his name, but after sitting with him on the curb and listening to him sob, he felt more like a friend that I was trying to comfort.
…A friend that didn’t want me to call the police… as suspicious as that was, I didn’t think on it too long. Shortly after that, his girlfriend came running from the apartment building right next to mine.
“Oh, baby, what happened!?” she ran up to us in a dress that was too tight to really run in, and bent down to put her face in his. “Let’s get you home,” she said, completely ignoring my presence.
I got up and walked back to my apartment building, turning to see them hobble back to hers.
That night has taught me that fear should not stop me from doing the right thing. God watches over me, even when no one else does. He saw what happened to that man, and he put me in a position to help him–to be a friend to him in the darkness of the night.


Original post: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/27030/posts/1081513397


As a missionary kid, I’ve heard many people talk about my parent’s work like they are specially endowed super heroes sent by God to carry out tasks that no one else could do. And as much as I’ve always thought my dad had some super hero in him, I don’t believe that missionaries are quite as special as they’re made out to be.
You don’t have to cross any national boarders or sit in a grass hut to be an instrument of God for the benefit of others. But if you don’t recognize the opportunity and take the risk of talking to strangers you might just pass up the chance to be an “ambassador of Christ” (2 Cor 5:20) to someone in need.
This was made clear to me back in college. In the same era of my life when God was sending me angels and even homeless angels, he made me an ambassador of his love to others.
I met Ashlee when she scared the crap out of me by pounding on my car window as I pulled in to park at my apartments. It was mid afternoon and I had come home from my college classes, but I hadn’t even had time to turn my engine off before she was at my window, black-mascara tears streaming down her beach-tanned face. I rolled down my window to see what she needed, but it took a moment for me to make out her words between her sobs. Eventually I got that her boyfriend had dumped her here and she didn’t have a way to get home. “Can you give me a ride?” she said, “Just to my sister’s house, it’s up near Monkey Junction.”
“Sure,” I said. How could I have said no? The woman was clearly desperate for help.
She got in the car and composed herself–wiping her face and calming her breathing until she could talk. Then she began to tell me what had happened, breaking off to let me know where to turn.
You see, her boyfriend had been driving her around in his truck when she finally decided to break the news to him that her daughter’s father was getting out of prison in a few days–just in time for her daughter’s 6th birthday. Her boyfriend, who was high on crack at the time, didn’t take the news too well. He got real nervous and agitated in the car and finally stopped at my apartment complex to throw her out of the car and drive off.
“So… you’re daughter’s father is in prison?” I said.
He had been convicted of possession and  sale of drugs and locked up for the entirety of his daughter’s life. “This party is the first time he’ll get to see her!” Ashlee said.
“Oh, how nice,” was all I could think to say. This whole conversation–the whole event–was far out of my comfort zone.
We arrived at her sister’s house and she got out of the car, but asked me to stay until she was inside. I watched her knock on the front door, the front windows, the side windows, and then yell at the house, “I know you’re home! Answer the door!”
If they were home, they didn’t answer the door. Defeated, she got back in my car and asked in a shy voice if I would take her to her own house in the next town over–about 30 minutes away. I agreed and we set off.
On the way, we got to know each other a bit. she thanked me a hundred times for helping her and invited me to the beach with her sometime (Something she obviously enjoyed a lot). “You should come to my baby’s birthday,” she said. “You can meet her dad. We need friends like you. None of my friends would have ever picked up some stranger in a parking lot.”
“That sounds nice,” I said, not really sure what to think, but trying my best to be polite. She gave me all of the information for the part and wrote down her phone number for me before I dropped her off at her house, just a block or two from the beach. It was a typical beach-house–not the vacation type, but the kind that sit on stilts  behind the hotels, ignored by all.
About a week later, I went to the store and bought a gift for Ashlee’s daughter: The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

My favorite children’s book

I wrapped it in green paper and headed off to Ashlee’s house for the party. Cigarette smoke billowed out of the front door, hurting my smile just a little bit, but Ashlee wouldn’t let me escape the cloud. She grabbed me warmly and pulled me in to introduce me to her family, taking the present from me and putting it in a pile of pink gifts near the girls, also dressed in pink.
“That’s my mom over there, and this is my baby’s daddy,” she said, pulling me close to a group of men sitting around the table with beers and cigarettes. A rather intimidating man in the middle of the group nodded his head at me. I smiled and held out my hand to shake at the same time that he held out his fist for a fist bump. That was the first time anyone had done that.
Somewhere deep inside me I knew how to fist bump. But the whole situation–strange house, strange people, this scary-looking man fresh out of prison, the smoke–frazzled me and kept me from thinking clearly. So in an embarrassing moment of thoughtlessness, I grabbed his closed fist and shook it vigorously, saying “Nice to meet you!” with the best smile I could offer.
The man’s face contorted into a look of shock and confusion.
I left the party soon after that, feeling like I had failed enough for one day. The daughter seemed to have no interest in my book, which was severely lacking in pink or lace. The father, I was sure, had written me off as an idiot or a bimbo. And I wasn’t sure I could manage to breathe much longer in the cloud of smoke that sat like a heavy fog in the house.
But one thing made me feel good about the whole thing. Ashlee counted me as a friend. After only an hour with her over a week’s time, she considered me a friend. And that made everything worth it.


It’s National Poetry Writing Month! And you know what that means!


It means that school is almost out

But the kids are getting antsy.

As each day gets warmer outside

I have to try harder not to get angry.


It’s not that they’re so terrible

But they squirm and want to play.

No one wants to sit still for hours

When outside it’s such a nice day.


Sometimes I lose my temper

Though I try to control it a while.

But even when they drive me crazy

There’s always a few that make me smile.

Kiera 001
Alayah 001


I called 911 the first time back in 2010 when a car exploded in front of my apartment at 2am.


Don’t worry, I called 911 before I took the picture.

The second time, it was because my friend was bitten by a bug and didn’t have her EpiPen on her. And I’d like to take this moment to tell anyone who is prescribed one, please, please carry it with you because it is terrifying to watch a friend not be able to breathe over a bug bite.

This week, I had to call 911 for a third time. This time, it was for the police.

For those of you who don’t know, I work in a rough neighborhood school. In fact, as soon as school started up in August, we had a window smashed in the kindergarten hall. Our on campus police officer stays busy, as do the Behavior Management Technicians (BMTs). A surprising number of my students have at least one parent in prison right now, and a few of our 8th graders come and go from jail like it’s a second home. Last year, I had a student steal money from my pocket, and thanks to a student threat and a police report, I now know that a “chopper” is a gun (I thought I was being threatened with a chainsaw).

On Thursday, I left the school at 4:30, stopping to say hello to a former student of mine at the front doors. The school counselor had informed me that his 19 year old sister was murdered two weeks ago by her boyfriend, and I wanted to make sure he was okay, but I couldn’t find the right words to say past, “How are you doing?” to which he said, “Fine,” and left it at that. Without wanting to push anything, I smiled and said goodbye.

As I drove out of the parking lot, I passed a stopped car at the entrance. A woman in the passenger seat put her hand out the window and waved at me. I stopped my car in front of them, thinking maybe they had broken down, but as soon as I stopped, their car moved forward and came to pass me. I rolled down my window as they passed to see if they needed something. The woman in the passenger seat was sobbing and called to me, “Call the police!” but before I could make sense of the situation, the man at the wheel drove off, turning right onto the main road and toward ‘the hood.’

I grabbed my phone and started dialing 911, but then a thought occurred to me: “How are the police ever going to find a moving vehicle? What do I tell them? It was white with a temporary license plate that was too faded to read. The windshield was shattered like someone had thrown a big rock at it and the back driver’s side window was out. But would that be enough for them to find the car?” I had to be able to tell them where it was going!

So without any further reasoning, I turned right, following them into the labyrinth of narrow streets around the school, all the while, listening to 911 ring for so long that I thought I had dialed the wrong number.

The car turned down a narrow street right next to the school and I followed. But as soon as I did, survival instincts kicked in and I realized that this was a horrible idea. I stopped my car. As soon as I did, the white car stopped as well. And then it backed up and started making a 3 point turn.

My life didn’t flash before my eyes. Possible news headlines did. “Teacher killed in her car after calling 911 on a suspicious driver.” I looked around and thought to myself, “I”m going to die. This is where I’m going to die–in a little narrow road less than a block from my school. Will anyone even see me die? God, are you done with my life? Is this all I was meant to live?”

Thankfully, by this time, the 911 operator picked up on the other end and distracted me from myself just long enough to stumble through the sentence, “This woman in a car told me to call 911, but then the car drove off.”

“Okay. Don’t follow the car,” she told me.

“Oh. I am.”

By this time, the car came past me again, heading in the opposite direction. I didn’t know whether I should hide the phone and pretend I hadn’t called 911, or to show them that I had, in hopes of deterring any further problems. The woman still screamed from the passenger seat, “Call the police!”

On the speaker phone in my lap, the 911 operator said, “Can you ask her why?”

Before I could do anything, the car pulled back out onto the main road, cutting off traffic and causing a school bus to honk its horn. ”

“They’re gone,” I told the operator.

She asked me several more questions: “What did they look like? Was there any drugs, alcohol, or firearms? What clothing were they wearing?” All with the most bored sounding voice that made me believe that no police were even going to bother coming. For a minute, I thought about rushing back out there and following them again to make sure something was going to be done. Did the operator not take it seriously? Did she think we were being over dramatic? Will I ever know if that poor woman got help?

And then it occurred to me: Those people had come from our school parking lot. Chances are, one or both of them had a kid in the school. Was one of our students going to go home to that? Whether it was a domestic dispute, abuse, rape, or kidnapping that I witnessed, chances are one of our students was going to feel the consequences of it.

I cried and prayed my way back home to my safe and peaceful apartment (not the same place where a car exploded), wondering what was happening in my student’s homes that night.


My One Word 2016

My first week of school in 2016 is done and I have to say, it wasn’t the torture that I thought it’d be. It actually left me with some hope, realizing that my students are growing.

Of course with it being January and all, I had to offer them up the challenge of My One Word. So after some brief discussions about what they want to be better at this year and what qualities they admire in others, they came up with these,



which we posted on our classroom door so that every time they come in, they are reminded of their own commitment to work on being better at ______ (loving, grades, anger control, football, drama free…).

My own word is up there as well: First.

I knew it had to be my word as soon as I started thinking about My One Word. But I didn’t want to commit to it right away. It would require me giving up so many things that I would rather come first, first. But over the past year, I’ve built up a lot of laziness and a lot of idols that needed to get sloughed. Not only was it a very obvious sin in my heart, but it was really starting to affect my life. I had been having more and more issues with prioritizing things correctly and would instead just do what I want to do with the excuse of, “I work hard enough as it is. And this ‘first’ can really be put off until later.” By the end, I wasn’t giving my best effort toward anything because all of my ‘firsts’ were taken over by a lot of ‘I want this now.’

Instead, this year I’ve committed to focusing on what should really come first (It’s not that hard to figure out what that is at any given moment) and to take everything in the baby steps of “I’ll do this first.” I don’t have to get bogged down with all the things that need to be done throughout the day or week or month, but I know that when I put the right things first, then the necessary things will get done.

Of course, my first ‘first’ needs to always be God–throughout my day. Because it is only by His will and through His strength that any of my other ‘firsts’ will be worthwhile work.

If God doesn’t build the house,
    the builders only build shacks.
If God doesn’t guard the city,
    the night watchman might as well nap.

It’s useless to rise early and go to bed late,
    and work your worried fingers to the bone.
Don’t you know he enjoys
    giving rest to those he loves?

-Psalm 127:1-2, The Message

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